Tune out the Dudes TURN Up the Lady Jams
I have never had a boyfriend.
When I was little and everyone started “dating” for the first time I was the voice of reason and would say such nuggets to my fellow 10 year olds like
"Don’t you guys think we are a little young to have boyfriends?"
How independent I was! No one was telling me I could not wear a matching polka dot sweatsuit( Green with Purple Dots) and interfere with time playing in the sewage pipe in the creek behind my house ( even though my mom should have intervened with that for health reasons) I was so before my time, I basically paved the way for Destiny’s Child Independent Women Part I. You are welcome Beyonce. At ten I just did not see the point in a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong I had a huge crush on my classmate who shared a striking resemblance to Arthur but I was not ready for the next step( becoming a cartoon look alike)
And then there was high school ( I am totally glossing over middle school cause I was not even a real person then) No one every really tickled my fancy except for my best friend whom I ADORED. Like for the real, it was some Dawson and Joey shit.
Except we never got together and there was no Pacey. And we are still great friends. But I still did openly weep in the Yearbook rooms closet when he asked our other friend to homecoming but that is in the past. But you know what! I didn’t need a boyfriend I was way to busy with working as Chili’s and running Cross Country. Boys who need em!
So I guess I went into college a late bloomer. I did not feel that way but I was a little behind inthe whole “relationship” thing. I did not really mind it because I know me and I knew that someday I would meet someone who was my particular kind of great.
Don’t get me wrong. There were boys in college ( INSERT WINKY FACE HERE) but I was just gong through the motions. You know what motions I am talking about ( INSERT ANOTHER WINKY FACE HERE)
I used to tell my friends that I want to fall in love and then get my heart broken just so I knew what it would feel like. they would all say
"Mara, you fool. You don’t want that. It is the pits."
But I did want it to happen because it meant I put myself out there with my feelings which is not something I do often. If I got my heart broken it meant that I was in love and wow ain’t that something?
Until recently when it did happen. I got my heart broken and boy, they were right. It is absolutely not fun. In fact, it fucking hurts. It makes you feel totally shitty and unsure of yourself. The insecurity is the shitty thing to, don’t we have enough to worry about???
I know what you are all thinking, ” I can’t believe the guy you dated who worked at the Cheesecake Factory with the tattoo of a snake wrapped around a knife on his calf did not break your heart.” And to that I say, believe it. I was basically drunk that whole summer and mistakes were made.
This was different. I liked this guy right away (some might say at first sight and I never feel like that). We got along, we made each other laugh, we would silently judge people together and I really, really loved talking to him. I just liked being around him. And I saw all the completely awesome things I knew he was and knew he could accomplish. Things were great and I was so happy just cause I had never felt this way about someone before. I knew he felt the same way too. I really wanted him to be my boyfriend. Even as I type that sentence I know how silly it looks but I really did.
But to make a long story short, mistakes were made. He is not ready to be anyone someone, let alone me and all I want is for him to change his mind ( Ew I sound lame as I write that). He realllllllly cares about me but ……… well it all just stinks. I have become the weeping girl in the yearbook closet all over again. And I don’t like her, she is such a bummer.
Am I mad? Yes, he hurt me and my feelings. More then I thought.
Am I sad? Yes. I hate not talking to him. I really do. He had become one of my closest friends and stuff is just not as fun without him. I know it will be soon but right now I am a bummed. Also, I am sad because there was a lot that I let happened that the little girl in the purple and green polka dots would not have stood for. I lost myself and lied to myself about certain things and as we all know ” You gotta stay true to you boo” I should have made it clear what I WANTED cause I am VIP.
But you wanna know what has helped me though all this? What has taken my hand and lead me down this path of heartbreak. And I promise you it is extremely girlie: Two British songs birds, Kate Nash and Adele. Oh man. It is like they live in my brain and they had gone through the exact same thing. But I guess breakups suck for everyone, even uber talented Brit powerhouses.
Lets just say I listen to this song a lot:
and then this song a lot
Regardless, I am still licking my wounds ( which is a gross saying if you think about it) BUT I have decided these two woman are like my fake British best friends to help me through this whole heart ache thing. They will make comments about the boy in question with their dry British wit and we will drink wine and then we will break out the guitar and all just fucking sing it out.
So I guess moving on will happen and it takes time. Living well is the best thing to do so Kate, Adele and I are just going to live it up lady style. Someday, I will have a awesome boyfriend and we will ride on each others handlebars and go to brunch and he will make me laugh and he will want to hold my hand even if they are sweaty and shout it from the roof tops and do all that stuff couples do.
Until then I will have my lady jams.
*Side note: To my real pals and sisters thanks for being great friends now and always.